"You're in the wrong fucking lane" The Sudbury Triathlon

Here’s some advice and wisdom for you: when entering your swim time ahead of your triathlon don’t just guess a time, go to a pool and swim 16 lengths first, then send in the details that dictate your start time.

If you follow that advice you won’t turn up at your triathlon and find you are setting off at number seven. You won’t be poolside standing with men and women clearly taller, fitter, leaner, faster and above all far more serious looking than you. You won’t get in the pool and set off doing breaststroke - admittedly at a furious and slightly manic pace - when all around are streaming up and down their lanes in seamless front-crawl.

Above all you won’t have a very feisty looking woman raising her head at the end of the lane and shouting: “You’re in the wrong fucking lane!” “Wrong lane, I’m in the wrong race, I’m here by accident” is what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t as another triathlete was passing me and his enormous size 13 foot had cracked the back of my head and sent me under water gulping for breath and wondering if it was appropriate to call for a lifeguard to pull me out.

I apologise now to all the people I held up - but this wasn’t the Olympics, it was the Sudbury Sprint Triathlon and let’s keep it all in perspective. To add the early embarrassment I got out of the pool and realised I'd swam the distance with my goggles on top of my head.

Like a sinking stone

Many years ago I signed up for a course to be a swimming coach, a qualification I needed to get a job at an American summer camp in. For fun, on the first day, the coach asked us to swim to the deep end. He then asked us all to stop treading water, fold our arms and to see what would happen. Not surprisingly I sank, like a lead weight, straight to the bottom. Eventually, when I surfaced, the coach said: “In every class I always get someone who I call the stone - the sinker - and that is you and you will find this harder than most.”

You see, I wasn’t really designed for swimming. And due to the swimming element of triathlons, I’d given them a miss. But now, body declining, 50 looming, I wanted to test myself, visions of a few sprint triathlons which would lead to Ultra Iron Man events in Hawaii where I would finish in the top three for my age group.

However, right now that seems a long way off, I had to survive another 250 metres in a school pool in Suffolk without being hollered at, abused, kicked or drowned. Just for the record, I’m quite sure I swam 18 lengths and not 16. At one point a placard was held in front of me as I completed my 14th length stating I had two lengths to go. What a relief. Just two more lengths! As I returned and readied myself to get out of the pool, the placard suddenly appeared in another marshal’s hands telling me I still two lengths to go. To shattered to question I turned and did what I was told, but I know I did another 50 metres more than anyone else, well that’s my excuse anyway.

Out of the saddle

Out of the pool, I ran the short distance down a pathway and into the transition area, feeling unusually manly as I passed my cheering wife (my wife who would be setting off later for her first ever triathlon - but on a swim time that was actually the right one). I arrived at my trusted Trek Madone bike, spent an age getting my cleats on, and off I pedalled.

Now cycling I can do. Whatever time I’d lost to the more serious athletes around me would soon be made up by my effort on the bike. Head down I would push it all the way on the rolling roads of Suffolk. Unfortunately it didn't quite work out that way. About 800 metres down the road I cycled over a speed hump and the weight of my fat arse coming down was clearly too much for my seat post which simply gave up and slid all the way down to the hilt. Brilliant! I had 22kms to ride on a bike set up for an Oompa Loompa! At every junction I asked the marshals if they had an Allen key and every time I got a shrug and a sorry. I thought about quitting, but this is all about conquering, so I cracked on, out of the saddle, knees creaking and eventually shuddering as the muscles in my thighs began to cramp up. There was nothing enjoyable about the experience. Riders began passing me, not many at first, but then with alarming regularity, and that creeping anxiety as the race numbers went from the teens, then into the 20s, 30s. I was determined to keep it in the 30s so pushed on, out of the saddle.

Creaking knees

The transition could not come quick enough. But what a horror show it is to start running after cycling. Does that get any better? My knees felt like cement had been poured into the joints and there was 5km to do.

Around the school sports field and out into the nearby country park where the path took a steep turn into the woods. As I entered the woods, with my sunglasses on was like being plunged into darkness. Thankfully an elderly lady walking a small dog told me which way to go as I dithered, bewildered amongst the trees, unable to see the small arrow pointing back down the hill. Back to the school, a long haul around the edge of the field and the final run in to cross the finish line, as the chap on the loudspeaker assured me I was showing 'good form'. You can see the picture - this is not good form, this is shuffling.

Feeling quite pleased with myself, medal hanging from my neck, banana in hand, I was wandering back to the transition point when I heard these words... “And then there was some fucking idiot, doing bloody breaststroke, swimming in the first wave of swimmers who wasn’t even in the right lane....what the fuck was he doing there?” My banana wilted and went soft in my hands.

- Finish time: 1:31:09

- Overall finish: 60th of 121

- How very average.

Later that night as I checked the times and my position I noticed my first transition from pool to bike took three minutes! That was the third slowest of all the competitors. I could have brewed some tea, eaten a sandwich and had a quick nap in that time.

Thanks to the Sudbury Triathlon Club for an excellent event. The next TRISudbury will take place on Sunday 9th June 2019 for both adults and juniors. For more information check www.entrycentral.com/SudburyTriathlon